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Story……Aisha

 

Charli looked around the hospital.The rain trickled from the window looking like blood.Marble window panes had been fitted in the hospital to give the royal effect.If you looked out of the window you could see high security and all the people that were passing by.Single beds which had silk duvets and pillows had a uncomfortable look, even though they used the finest silk.Chandeliers were suspending from every room.Whenever someone walked passed the lights would automatically go on.Pure white floors would be mopped every day so they gave a shimmer in the light.Even though this place looked friendly it still gave some patients a shiver up the spine.

13 Responses to “Story……Aisha”

  1. Hi nice poem you have got nothing bad in your poem and you are a really good story teller.

  2. Ryan Toy Reviews November 19, 2020 at 8:44 am

    I do quite like your opening but you have a few typos and you need more punctuation in some places!

  3. Aisha’s Toy Reviews November 19, 2020 at 8:48 am

    WOW!
    1) Well done Aisha I like how u put pure white floors
    2) if it was friendly why did you get a shiver up your spine?
    3) REMEMBER your commas!

    • Aisha, Ryan, Biggy and Adison November 26, 2020 at 9:57 am

      Hi Aisha ( the same name as me ) I really love your story.
      1) I like how u put Charli looked round the hospital
      2) You could put an adjective here
      3) Please could you remember you commas Aisha!!

  4. HI, I like your work i like the words you used and the description is epic.
    Could you make this a little bit longer?
    Could you try change some words? Well done

  5. Great detail, I love your description and detail but, I think you could fit a paragraph in there.
    By Cameron SWW

  6. Hi your a good poet and there is nothing bad about your poem.

  7. Great story Aisha, I love how you written “ whenever someone walked past the lights would automatically turn on” Well don

  8. Where is this place set in

  9. Hi Aisha as the others said use commas to make your writing more dramatic.

  10. Hi amazing paragraph you are an amazing poet but like the others said try and use commas to make it more dramatic.

  11. Hi Aisha
    1) I love your poem very much
    2) I like when you said ‘ Pure white floors would be mopped everyday
    3) Don’t forget commas

  12. Hi Aisha
    1) I love your poem very much
    2) I like when you said ‘ Pure white floors would be mopped everyday
    3) Don’t forget commas to give suspense.

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