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the suspension is here

Marie glided out of the sky ship the dragon were now old enough to ride. She would fly around for hours doing loop the loops and zooming straight down until the last second  where she would safely glide up onto the deck. Then she heard a quiet buzz. Were killer bees attacking!! Marie was shaking with fear until finally Captain Janet told everyone that  was her spy bot and that she uses it to see if there’s anything in the forest.

6 Responses to “the suspension is here”

  1. Great-work this is a great piece of work my only piece of advice is maybe put more puntcuation

  2. Great work! My feed-back is maybe more deatails such as some ; others !

  3. “Then she heard a quiet buzz.” I loved this short sentence! It creates amazing suspension and it made me want to read on even more!

  4. “Marie glided out of the sky ship” We like the use of the word glided.You could add more adjectives to make the writing more interesting . Well done.

  5. This is amazing! I think you could put a bit more description about the bees attacking you and your emotions. My favourite sentence is “Then she heard a quiet buzz.” This is an amazing short and simple sentence and really helps the sentence flow. My question is did you get any inspiration from your friends/teachers or a book/film? Overall i would love this to be a real book to enjoy more of your work.

  6. Maybe you could add personification for the bee’s buzz.
    I think you could add a bit of description for the ship or just in genral.
    Love it, I can’t wait for the next part!

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