The Grave Yard- Olivia SWW
Suddenly the bell rang out. Everyone ran out in to the the dark playground, happy that detention was over, but annoyed it was raining.
Once everyone was gone, Lily braved the weather and walked through the school grounds and in the huge church. Like the graves were people, she stared at her feet as she shuffled through the freezing wet snow. The frosty grass tickled her soles of her shoes as a glistening snowflake danced down the cold air and onto her forehead. The fur on her coat hung down infront of her.
Suddenly, just like that, torrential rain hammered down into the darkness. The heart in her chest beated faster and faster. Shh. The trees whistled and howled. Creak. A grave fell over. Tick. Tick. Tick. In a flick of a finger, a shadow scuttled along, in and out of the graves. A siren echoed in the distance.
Excellent suspense writing Olivia! I love the snowflake dancing down the cold air, wow. Your short sentences in the last paragraph create real tension and suspense. We’ve lost some formatting when copying over, make sure to run through it all again on teaching live correcting any format issues.
‘Lily walked through the school grounds then in the huge church’ but is then also in the graveyard in the next sentence. I feel this needs re reading maybe such as; ‘Lilly walked through the school grounds, passed the church and found herself amongst the graves/in the cemetery.
Excellent work as always Olivia! Don’t forget to take your time with attention to detail when reading back over your work.